So that's how the conversation started. A simple but very pertinent question. "Have you had chemotherapy?" she continued.
The question came from a stranger, a lady about my age, with a full head of hair, she was someone who was working at the airport whilst I was passing through. Someone with whom my interaction would normally be about 30 seconds. However she looked at me and the question just flew off her lips. I am not sure she even realized she had spoken it out loud.
My first reaction was oh my god do I look ill, pale, fragile and then I realized, I was wearing my cute little cap on my head and not my "hair".
A little taken aback by her directness, I felt compelled to answer.
I explained that I had alopecia, an auto immune disease that comes from nowhere. She was intrigued and very curious to understand more as she had never heard of alopecia before that moment. I felt the need to comfort her, to tell her that it was not so bad and absolutely no comparison to cancer. Its funny that I felt the need to do that.
Following a few exchanges, she looked confused and clearly had a need to know more about the condition, but she had to contain her curiosity as neither the timing nor the relationship was right.
What I enjoyed about this quick conversation was the directness, she wanted to know something and she just asked, she did not worry about offending me nor about asking inappropriate questions. It was nice.
I know I often hold back on such personal questions for fear of how the question will land, for fear of offending the person, but you know what, I am now starting to realize that that is silly. I think people have a need to talk and to educate and ultimately for their oddities to be acknowledged.
So my advice for the day is to go for it, to ask that question and to see what comes of it. The chances are that you will free someone up and learn something new!
So like the child in the "What are they?" she said, blog.......go forth and ask! Let me know how it goes and what you learn!
Hey BBB, nice post! Am trying to remember the last time someone was 'shockingly honest' with me. To be fair I asked the question...
ReplyDeleteSetting: outside a bar in the Netherlands, late one Saturday night,
Situation: random chap trying his luck with me, My question: "do you even find me attractive?" Response: Man in question genuinely takes the time to look me up and then down, after a moments thought "kinda, sorta, maybe, vaguely..." Have to say, appreciated the honesty, but whatever hint of romance may have been brewing was completely wiped out. So, I'd suggest that your readers choose their questions and audience with a tad more thought than I!
Nice post. You've reminded me of what my uncle, a robed Theravadan Buddhist monk, told me about his experiences of giving talks in schools. Given that he is 6' 3", shaves his head and is clad in a saffron robe, he kinda stands out in a crowd! He said that classes of 9 year olds still had the curiosity to ask him any questions, without feeling self conscious or stupid. If he gave the same talk to a class a couple of years older, he said he'd be lucky to get any questions, especially ones relating to the reasons for his appearance.
ReplyDeleteSo my point is, if my uncle didn't specifically talk about the reasons for dressing like he did then the older children would leave not knowing what the majority probably wanted to ask. Whereas in contrast the class of younger children, who didn't feel inhibited, would ask the questions and probably remember much of the explanation as he was sat their answering them personally at the same time as making a big impression on them.
So once the teeny hormones kick in, we feel self conscious and like to run with the crowd and try not to stand out from it. This behaviour sticks with most of us into adult life. We're creatures who like to be liked and most of us shy away from situations where we could cause offence.
I completely agree with you... we're all missing learning something new by choosing 9 times out of 10 to hold back and not ask the question. Your stranger took a risk, be it a spur of the moment involuntary one, of causing offence. But she didn't and caused you write this piece. My Uncle would probably say that the knock on effects of her questions passed good karma down the chain, from which other positive effects sprung about which she had no knowledge of at the time! But, in my view, that's just Buddhism's trick of explaining the obvious in neat little packages :)
I didn't mean to do it - it just happened! I'd read your blog earlier in the day and something must have lodged in my brain.
ReplyDeleteI was in a store the same day, randomly making small talk with the sales assistant, I commented on the rather large gaffer tape dressing on one of his fingers. He went on to explain he was trying it out as an alternative treatment for warts. I was at first surprised that he was sharing what would normally be considered personal and off putting. As he proceeded to show me some in various stages, rather than being repulsed I was genuinely curious to see the impact. Not only did I learn something I also connected with another being.
I remember well one morning when you and I were standing in our RE coffee corner; I was probably waiting for my morning tea, and I forgot what you were doing. With those small yellow lights from the ceiling being shed on my hair, you said "some of hair looks golden under the light." I said "I don't know why. I colored my hair only once in my life, and later I noticed some of the hair could never go back to its original color." Then I started to mention I used to have jet-black hair when I was teenager and now with ages, the hair was more brown, and it will eventually become grey-white. As this little talk was going on, I naturally looked at your hair under the light and asked totally innocently (after having worked with you for at least a few months already) "so what color is your hair going to be when you get older?" You looked at me and said calmly "I don't have hair. I lost it. It is a condition." Although I worked with you for months and never noticed this condition, I was somehow not surprised by your answer. What surprised me at the moment was your calmness and frankness. I often recall that moment with you; sometimes it randomly comes to my mind; sometimes I used this moment to encourage myself when I need to explain something which I'm not comfortable with. If someone asked me "Tell me a moment since you came to Europe, which you remember most, and why?" I know what I'll say. Qihan
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