What does my head look like?

It was an odd question, but I guess many people had thought it. I guess the answer to me was obvious, but clearly it is not.

So here is my answer, for those of you who have also wondered. What does my head look like?

My head is quite simply, perfectly formed and shiny. There are no blemishes, beauty spots nor scars. There is not one strand of hair, not one.

It is like a stone you find on the washed out beach. A stone that has been washed over by the tide hundreds of times. Each time, washing away any bumps, smoothening out the surface leaving a soft yet hard exterior. 

It is curvy and shiny. It's warm to touch and has a layer of natural oils protecting the shell.

It is mine. It is part of my look. It is what I have been given and I have learned to love it.

Quite simply it's beautiful.

Lean into it

"Lean into it" is an expression I had not heard before. At least I had never noticed hearing it before. However in 2 days, in two different contexts, I heard 2 different people say "lean into it". Both times the expression had an impact on me.

The first time I heard this was on a you tube link. It's was a great TED video featuring Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook. Google it, it's well worth watching. She was saying that women should "lean into it" more. She was referring to women in their career. They should take on new challenges in a big way and not shy away from big leaps.

The second time was in a Hollywood film "People like us". It was a cute film, the kind that I like, good solid entertainment, the kind where you can shed tears of joy at the end. In the film the Uncle was giving his nephew, six rules for life. One of them was "lean into it". Of course, in true Hollywood style the boy did, and the results were beautiful. You get the picture.

As I don't believe in coincidences, I began thinking about how profound this phrase was. There is nothing really revolutionary about the idea of getting stuck into things, grabbing the bull by the horns, but the simple truths are often the most pertinent. The truth is, that getting really involved in something and becoming passionate about a cause, always reaps great results. Leaning into something and giving it your all, almost always pays off. Half assed attempts are not fruitful for anyone and let's be clear, they are often not as much fun and do not really reap the rewards.

So as I heard this phrase, I realized that there were things I wasn't leaning into, a few things that I was only sort-of doing. Some projects at work, some relationships and also some hobbies.

So my commitment for the week is to lean into at least one thing this week, just that little bit more. Give it that extra focus and uumph and see where it leads.

Anyone else up for the challenge?

The bloody recorder!

Playing the recorder at school is a memory for most people of my generation. Or should I correctly say learning to play the recorder.

I can't say I ever got any good at it, but I do remember enjoying playing it. Be it at school or in the garden shed with my friends.

Honestly, as my some of my older friends will attest to, I was quite bad at music lessons. I even got thrown out of the school orchestra, oh the embarrassment, and I was only playing the triangle!

So the chances of me, being any good at the recorder, are very slim.

Luckily my memory is kind and I remember I was at best average.

Now that my eldest daughter has embarked upon recorder lessons, as part of the school curriculum, it all comes flooding back. I can still pull of a reasonable London's burning, if begged. But really, nothing else has survived the years.

However as I see my daughter struggle with learning the instrument, I start to see why.

There is so much to do. And all at the same time.

You have to breathe in a consistent and rhythmic way.
You have to master the strength of the blow
You have to look at the music notes
Then translate them into finger movements
All the while ensuring you are covering the holes fully and not partially
And then move on to the next note at the same time, to ensure you know what's coming.
Oh yes and some notes need to be held longer than others......

It's a lot of things to do!

So today I ask you all, to have empathy with the screeching across the nations, as your children begin to discover the pleasure of music. And most of all, to encourage and find joy in the sometimes nasty sounds, filling the hallways.

It's understandable.

Were you angry?

At the pool side last week, a fellow mum approached me. She was wondering how I was coping with my my treatment. Quickly I understood and assured her that I did not have cancer, just alopecia. As it transpired, she had just got the all clear from breast cancer after a double mastectomy and was beginning to resume normal life. She was just reaching out as a friend to others who were going through the same thing. Clearly I was not, but she was kind and friendly so we began chatting.

She was very curious about my condition and asked a lot of questions. I really don’t mind this, in fact in many ways I enjoy the angles people approach it. This time, she asked a question, I have never been asked before. She asked if I was angry.

Angry I thought. No I was never angry. I am not angry. Or was I? Am I?

I mean, I am familiar with the (Kubler Ross) change curve. You know the one where you go through the 5 stages of change:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

You experience all the emotions, some places you stay longer than others, other places you go back and fro until you move on to the next phase. And as someone who works in an environment, where managing change is an everyday requirement, I am familiar with the stages and the need to go through each and every one of them.

So looking at the kind lady's question critically, I would have needed to go through  the emotion of anger before I could get to acceptance.

But I could not remember ever being angry. The only time I came close was with the shop assistant in my first ever wig shop I ventured in to. She did not have a bone of empathy in her body, infact she clearly did not have a clue at all about hairloss. She quite factually and rather bluntly told me that if I wished to wear a wig I would need to shave off any of my remaining hair, before I could wear one. I nearly screamed “Shave it off, I am doing all I can to hang on to the final strands and you want me to shave it off. Are you mad woman??"

Yes I was angry that day.
And by the way, you were wrong, dear wig shop assistant. You dont need to be bald to wear a wig.

Yes I was angry that day.  But other than that, I don’t remember being angry. Maybe I was, but have chosen to forget about it or maybe I was angry but buried it.

So yet another reflective question. I was pleased she asked it, it once again caused me to think back on the beginnings of my condition and realize what a long long way I have come. Thank you kind lady, come talk to me again next Sunday at the pool side!

Dancing before school

This morning we had the neighbours kids over for breakfast. It was all in the spirit of helping with the school drop off.

Why aren't breakfasts always that much fun?

The kids chatted at high volumes and laughed at silly things, whilst munching their cereal. Then in record speed, they were finished and were heading upstairs to have a party in one of the bedrooms.

My sensible head had no time to kick in, as they were so fast.

Within seconds, they had chosen the music and were dancing away like crazy. I couldn't resist the urge to stick my head around the door, once the second song had begun.

What a fantastic sight.

Four beautiful girls, jumping up and down in excitement, flinging legs and arms around, letting their hair fly everywhere. Dancing like they just didn't care! Dancing like no one was watching.

It was infectious. I joined in. 

We laughed and giggled. I felt like I was 5.

It lasted only a few minutes and then we packed them up, gloves and hats, ready for school.

There were no complaints, no grumbling and absolutely no procrastinating.  Seriously, a pattern to be repeated.

It left all of us exhilarated, and smiling. It made me wonder, had I ever danced before breakfast before? When was the last time you danced before 8am?

If its not somehting you can remember doing, I challenge you to invite over the neighbours kids, it may just happen all on its own.

Happy days!

What I enjoyed most

As you may have read I recently turned 40.

I enjoy birthdays and generally make a big deal out of them. Be it a murder mystery party with 6 people or a large party in a hall, I don't allow the day to pass without marking it.

I know many people don't share this birthday joy, but I do. I would even go as far as having a birthday week, or even at college, sharing birthdays. Whenever it was one of our birthdays we all behaved like it was all of our own birthday, that way having 4-5 celebrations and reasons to have a blast was easy.

This birthday was no exception.

I had an absolute ball.

When asked why I had such a great time, I had to sit back and think what exactly made it so special.

There were so many things. The presents, the music, the dancing, the birthday cakes, the costumes people designed, created and wore to be in the theme, the effort and ideas to make the hall look sensational.  The list goes on.

However there was one thing, that really stuck out. It is possibly an accumulation of all of the above. My answer was. I felt loved by so many. I was treated special by all. And everyone who was there, was vested in my happiness and having a good time. Even those who weren't there had left notes and gifts for me to enjoy. One particular person even made a big lasagne for the day after my party as they knew I would be is no shape to cook the day after! Wow - she was so right! It was delicious. And another even knitted a union jack tea cosy. I was thrilled!

It was truly an amazing event and a wonderful few days of celebration.

The feeling of being loved by so many was really what made my day so special.

Thank you all. You created a memory. A memory that will last forever.

And as a sign of gratitude to you all, I have made a commitment to myself to give back in double. I dont know yet what this means, but I do know that I look forward to doing this and I am sure it will be very rewarding.  I look forward to passing this love right back!

Headtights

For those of you who have ever wore a wig, even as part of a costume or fancy dress, you will know how itcy and sweaty your head can get. Clearly permanent wigs are designed somewhat better but still, the sensation can be the same, namely highly irritating.

One strategy to help here is a wig cap or head tights as I call it. It's a bit like a putting a pair of your mothers American tan coloured tights over your head, before you put on your wig. That said the wearing of this piece of magic, is nothing short of a small miracle.

These, as I have now learned, so called wig caps, last a long time. Yet like with any hosiery they are prone to holes and laddering.

So the one I have, which is my last one, is really done now. It is soooooo past its best, but as its my last one, I can't just discard it, as it really is better than nothing.

Many of you will be wondering why I just don't go out and get some new ones, but let me tell you, it isn't that easy.

The first reason is that I don't know where to buy them. The ones I own were always given to me by hairdresser / wig supplier who lives about 6000km away. Some might say well order some from the internet, well this isn't too easy as I actually didn't know what they were called. This makes googling kind of hard. However today, I did learn what they are officially called. Wig caps.

So today I decided enough was enough and plunged into the internet, looking for a wig supplier in my 30km radius. I found one and committed to drive there to get some.
It really wasn't that difficult.

So today was the day. Whilst my lovely family were resting and enjoying "quiet time", I jumped in the car and headed to the adress my loyal laptop had given me.

The shop was on a long Boulevard, embedded silently in a strip mall, which only North America knows how to do. I will miss these strip malls, when we leave, they really are quite magnificent.
As I entered the shop I got excited. It was a shop full of wigs, all shapes sizes, colours and types. It really was alopecian heaven. Think shoes girls, shelves and shelves of shoes, in all different shapes and colours. Picture this and then you might get a sense of the emotion!

The lady who kindly served me, who after a bit of scrutiny, I realized was wearing a wig, was called Meghan. She knew all about the accessories and choices that I could make and helped me out immediately. Like anyone in such a shop, I couldn't walk around and not get inspired. I think for the first time I began considering the options really possible.

So whilst in the shop, I made another choice, a very bold one. Next time I go back there, I am taking a friend with me. Someone who can help me navigate the choices and give me real feedback on how to best spend my monthly salary.

Watch out for a future post on "leap of faith" to hear how it went!

(yes I have decided upon the blog title already, despite actually not having had the experience, yet!)

A sense of community

Today I went to the village for a coffee. It was an unusual thing for me to do mid week, but it's good to shake the routine up a bit.  As I walked into the coffee shop, I was telling my Dad, who was with me, how much I enjoyed living in Canada. I was explaining how integrated I felt and how genuinely happy I was to be living in this country. I really feel very at ease both in the local community and in the local culture. Canadians really want people to enjoy their country and their way of life. It's like they were always waiting for us to arrive and be part of them.

As I was mid sentence, the guy in front of me turned round and said "Hi there".  It was the local vicar,  who incidentally rides a Vespa. He is such a great guy. We met him maybe twice in our 2.5 yrs here, but he is so friendly and warm, you can't help wishing you were more religious.

We chatted for a while about this and that and even how I could help out with structuring his staff at the church, well why not I thought. A bit of voluntary consultancy to God, seems like a good use of my time.

Anyway back to the coffee shop. The vicar and I were mid flow, when up popped another friendly face. It was one of my daughters, and occasionally my, ringette (*) teacher. She has such great energy, you can't help but like her.

We exchanged a few sentences, then finally my Dad and I sat down, for our quick morning coffee.

This I realized, was why I love this place. Evidence in motion.  It is a small and friendly community. It is still big enough to go underground and be anonymous for a while should you so wish, yet if you want company or good human interaction, just go out of your door and you shall find it.

It is good to belong.

I think I am finding this increasingly important. 

I believe my next phase of life will be all about belonging. I will be deliberately doing things to belong to something bigger than me. 

I have begun to realize that I want to be in an environment where people care and people matter. An environment where everyone's well being is important to all within.

Somehow this sense of belonging never used to matter. Somehow this now matters more than anything else.

Anyone else having this feeling?  Is this an age thing, a stage of life thing? Has anyone also felt like this and has now got any tips on how to belong more?

Let me know. I am curious.


Note (*) Ringette is a Canadian sport. In short, it is ice hockey for girls with a ring not a puck, and thus a straight stick! 

Not your usual training course

I went on an excellent training course a few weeks ago. It was not a regular skill building one, but one, I would argue, that is a game changer in terms of behaviour. (Apologies for the corporate speak, but I couldn't think of a better descriptor)

It was a program that focussed on you as an individual and your role as a professional and family member. It concentrated on habits and managing self and boundaries. It talked about ritualizing change and incorporatimg a healthy lifestyle. It not only offered participants, a personalized training program after a 90 minute assessment, but during the actual course we did the physical training twice. In the breaks we drank soya shakes and ate raw veggies, there were no choc chip cookies at this place, just home made musli bars.

However, the best part was about our habits at home. How do our children and spouses see us. How do we use our energy.

One of the pre work assignments was to interview our children. They needed to be at least age 5 but even the little ones could contribute. Here were the questions.

1. What do you like the most in me as your mother? What do you think are my best sides?
2. When I am at home before and after work, do you think we spend enough time together?
3. When spending time together, for example, when we are playing or talking to each other, do you think something can be done better? What
4. Do you think I give you the right things? I don't mean material things like toys, rather the things that you can feel.
5. If you had a wish towards me, that would make me a better mother or us a better family, what would it be?

I tell you, such simple questions offer big answers. One of my favourite insights was that my kids thought I spent enough time with them. This was a wonderful outcome as I would have guessed, that with the travel and the long hours that I put in at work, they would have been very critical of my lack of presence, yet they were not. My 9 year replied to question 2, very simply. "Yes we do spend enough time together and I like that." Arrhh, how wonderful little girls are.

Following the same process, with similar questions, to my husband, I learned that the thing that bothered him most was not that I often use my blackberry, but that I do it right in front of him and the kids at breakfast time. He proposed that I just go somewhere they can't see me. How easy that was to implement but clearly how unaware I was that this was annoying.

So I suggest to anyone to have a go with these questions. I was nervous but I got a lot out of it, in fact I realized that maybe, just maybe, I was being a little too hard on myself.  And with a little tweak here and there, my average mother status could get boosted to possibly slightly above average.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

Warning

My husband often makes me laugh. It really is one of the reasons I love him so much. He is very entertaining.  Today was no exception.

The school sent out one of those warning letters. You know the sort, the ones they are obliged to send, but really wish they didn't have to. It goes something like this.

"Dear parents, we regret to advise you that we have found children in the school with headlice" and off it goes on to explain that parents can be carriers etc and then offers instructions what to do and what not to do.

This particular notice was sent to my husband, who added his own little love note to me before sending it on.

Dear honey, nothing for you personally to worry about then. Hee hee!

I have to say, I laughed out loud when I read it. The cheeky bugger.
But he did have a point. No lice risk for me! I hadn't realized that advantage of alopecia.

Once again, one up for the baldies!

Bring on the lice!

Stress pants

Have you heard of retail therapy?

A quick google tells me that retail therapy is shopping with the primary purpose of improving the buyer's mood or disposition. Often seen in people during periods of depression or transition, it is normally a short-lived habit. Items purchased during periods of retail therapy are sometimes referred to as "comfort buys".

Recently I fell into this category, and went on a big splurge. Amongst the many acquisitions was a pair of skinny purple jeans. They are quirky and fun and really lift the spirits. This was subconsciously what I was searching out. I wanted something I could wear that would trigger this frame of mind.

Interesting enough, the same week, a friend who is going through a tough time also went on a buying splurge and bought some red skinny jeans. She sent me a photo of herself (on my request) in her new red skinny jeans. They looked gorgeous. Really happy and upbeat.

So we named our new rainbow coloured purchases "stress pants". Note to the Brits, pants equals trousers.

We made a pact that we would wear them, when we need to de stress and they would inject a sense of fun and lightness into our day. They would make us feel good and put us into a great mood. They would possibly even give us a sense of feeling invincible, ready to take on the world. All that in a pair of bright skinny jeans!  Not bad eh?

Do you have a favourite item of clothes, a favourite piece, that puts you in a certain mood? Does it really work?

Do you own something that when you out it on, it triggers, positivity, calm and happiness?

Do share......

The suit

I have a ritual that goes something like this. Before I put an article of clothing into the charity bag for our monthly drop-off, I wear it one more time.

My thinking is that I need to be sure that the skirt, top or shoes really are no longer part of my wardrobe. So as I pull the item out of the wardrobe, for one last time, I smile and wear it, knowing shortly it will be just a distant memory.

Often I recall, with a rather silly nostalgia, all the times I wore the clothing. I think back to how I got hold of it in the first place. Was it a gift from a relative? A mad purchase during a meeting abroad? Was it an impulse buy in the Christmas sales? Usually I can recall a whole lot of memories, often fond ones.

So today, I followed my ritual. I pulled out that blue suit that I bought years ago. In the nineties suits were THE thing to wear if you wanted to get on in the work place. As I put it on, I smiled one last time in my mirror.

I have to admit that wearing a suit did seem odd, as dresses and cute little top and trousers with nice dangly necklace are more my thing these days. But I was assured that someone somewhere would benefit from receiving this decade old suit, as it was in good condition just not the look I was after.

People don’t generally comment on my attire at work, it’s possible to receive the odd compliment on an unusual colour or style, but once a week would be the max.

Today I got 5 comments!!!

“Have you got an interview today?
“Wow, you’re wearing a suit
“That colour looks great on you, is it a new suit?”
“That’s an unusual look for you”
“Are you going to an interview today?”

To all of them I replied honestly and said no, it was my last outing of this attire, until I put it in the charity bag. This clearly made my colleagues laugh out loud, they thought I was insane.

I have to say, as I was a little taken aback, about how much attention my colleagues clearly have been paying to what I am wearing over the past few years!!!

So as anyone else out there got any traditions, on how to part with old or unused clothes?

Some books I just don't buy

There are a number of Alopecia books on the market.

I have read none of them. Not one.

I mentioned in an earlier post, "Investing time in living with alopecia", that I genuinely know very little about my condition of alopecia. This is just my way of coping with it I guess.

However since having the blog, I have done more research than ever before, as I quickly realized, many people expect me to have answers to their questions on the condition.

In addition, a friend recently challenged me on my lack of knowledge. She could not understand why I would not be reading all the latest literature on alopecia and at least reading about other the journeys of other people, their learnings and their experiences. She really felt I needed to understand more and know my facts on my condition. Yes ma'am!

So I had to really think about my rationale. Why had I not done much research?  Why did I not own any of the books on this subject?

Was it just my way of coping? Was I too lazy? Was it time? Maybe I didn't really care.

I decided my reasoning was as follows. I just don't want books about alopecia on my bookshelves. It's as simple as that. I love looking through other peoples bookshelves that are on display in their living space, perusing through the genres, the authors and the range. And somehow, I just couldn't see copies of alopecia books being part of our collection. Oh look, Macbeth, Shades of Grey and Bald women. Mmm, not really my vision.

I realize how silly that may sound, especially given the fact that there are no rules on the fact that books have to displayed. But I found it interesting to understand what was holding me back.

So following this insight, I have now made a different decision. I am going to go and buy two alopecia books right now. I am going to see what I can learn from others.

As to where I will display them. Not so sure, maybe under the bed for now.