Were you angry?

At the pool side last week, a fellow mum approached me. She was wondering how I was coping with my my treatment. Quickly I understood and assured her that I did not have cancer, just alopecia. As it transpired, she had just got the all clear from breast cancer after a double mastectomy and was beginning to resume normal life. She was just reaching out as a friend to others who were going through the same thing. Clearly I was not, but she was kind and friendly so we began chatting.

She was very curious about my condition and asked a lot of questions. I really don’t mind this, in fact in many ways I enjoy the angles people approach it. This time, she asked a question, I have never been asked before. She asked if I was angry.

Angry I thought. No I was never angry. I am not angry. Or was I? Am I?

I mean, I am familiar with the (Kubler Ross) change curve. You know the one where you go through the 5 stages of change:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

You experience all the emotions, some places you stay longer than others, other places you go back and fro until you move on to the next phase. And as someone who works in an environment, where managing change is an everyday requirement, I am familiar with the stages and the need to go through each and every one of them.

So looking at the kind lady's question critically, I would have needed to go through  the emotion of anger before I could get to acceptance.

But I could not remember ever being angry. The only time I came close was with the shop assistant in my first ever wig shop I ventured in to. She did not have a bone of empathy in her body, infact she clearly did not have a clue at all about hairloss. She quite factually and rather bluntly told me that if I wished to wear a wig I would need to shave off any of my remaining hair, before I could wear one. I nearly screamed “Shave it off, I am doing all I can to hang on to the final strands and you want me to shave it off. Are you mad woman??"

Yes I was angry that day.
And by the way, you were wrong, dear wig shop assistant. You dont need to be bald to wear a wig.

Yes I was angry that day.  But other than that, I don’t remember being angry. Maybe I was, but have chosen to forget about it or maybe I was angry but buried it.

So yet another reflective question. I was pleased she asked it, it once again caused me to think back on the beginnings of my condition and realize what a long long way I have come. Thank you kind lady, come talk to me again next Sunday at the pool side!