The "Should" monkey

A few years ago, I embarked on a psychology course. It was fascinating. If I got the chance to study again I think I would do psychology.

At that time, I did the course for mental stimulation, rather than for improving my skills for my job, but I am sure some of the insights made me think a little different also in the workplace.

One learning that sticks out in my memory, that I frequently use,is the use of the word “should”.

In the course, we were taught that when anyone used the word “should”, particularly in a coaching or therapy session, they were speaking through / for someone else.


For example, I should go to the gym,

I should go to bed earlier,

I should learn French,

I should get a new job,

I should spend more time with the kids.


Sound familiar?????

What we were taught was that when we use the word “should”, we are saying what someone else wants us to do, eg a parent, a spouse, society. We are not talking about what we want or what we intend to do. In short, we have not really bought into the concept, otherwise we would be saying, I am going to start running, I have plans to go to night school.

Should is the voice of someone else and most likely we are not convinced of the change or the action, we are taking about.

So what do you think you “should” you be doing? Who said so? Are you really going to do it? Or are you just staying that because you believe that is what is expected? Who is the voice of your “should”?

Since my awareness of this, I have started using the word less and less and also notice when my friends use it.

So why don’t you watch for the word and see what you uncover.

You should you know!